


Hidden Talent

by Ocelot_l



Category: Channel Awesome, That Guy with the Glasses
Genre: Comedy, Costumes, Crossdressing, Fire-Breathing, Gen, Hypnotism, Knife-Throwing, Magic Tricks, Minor Injuries, Plate-Spinning, Singing, Ventriloquism, talent show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-08 12:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ocelot_l/pseuds/Ocelot_l
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Channel Awesome producers hold a talent show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hidden Talent

“RolloT can you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, boss.”

“Good.” The Other Guy adjusted the mouthpiece of his headset before checking his clipboard and then his watch. “Curtains go up in five minutes,” he called to the many producers who had agreed to enter the first ever Channel Awesome Talent Show. They bustled around backstage, fussing over costumes, verifying that props were still in working order, making sure they had nothing in their teeth.

On the other side of the curtains the auditorium was packed with excited fangirls and boys who couldn’t wait to see what talents their favorite reviewers would be displaying that night. Excited whispers and sudden shrieks could be heard from the crowd every few seconds, creating a charged atmosphere which in turn excited the performers.

“Are you sure we can’t go on sooner?” Linkara asked the harried stage manager for the third time. He would likely be hard to recognize by his fans, as he wore a grey bathrobe over his costume, lacked his hat and glasses, and had one arm set in a cast which was held to his chest by a sling. Curse those villains who had hampered his ability to play the violin tonight!

“Look, the schedule is already set,” the Other Guy told Linkara with the calm demeanor of one used to working with an uppity talent. “You two are going on later in the evening and that’s it.” Linkara frowned but knew there was little he could do to change things. “As for you,” the Other Guy turned to the man on his left, “I told you that you can’t use your inventions in the show.”

“I shall not stand for this discrimination against SCIENCE!” Dr. Insano had traded in his normal scrubs for ones made of satin and donned a lab coat covered with rhinestones, but he failed to look any more threatening than he usually did. 

“Using scientific inventions in a talent show kind of defeats the purpose,” Linkara remarked with a roll of his eyes.

“But science is my talent!”

“Sorry, but rules are rules,” the Other Guy said. Insano cursed before hurrying off to his dressing room. The Other Guy checked his watch again. “All right, it’s show time! First act, take your places! Ma-Ti, get ready to open the curtains on my signal!” The Planeteer nodded and tightened his grip on the rope while two people rushed out to the center of the stage. After nodding, the Other Guy watched as the curtains were pulled away and the spotlight focused on center stage.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” RolloT announced to the crowd, “please welcome to the stage the world famous magician, Handsome Tom-ini!” The auditorium thundered with applause as the tall gamer, dressed in black and plum, took off his top hat and bowed to the crowd.

“And his assistant, the gorgeous 8-Bit Mickey!” The applause and cheers suddenly stuttered as the shorter man walked onto stage clad in a purple cocktail dress with matching high heels.

“Oh my God,” Linkara said in a horrified tone as he watched Mickey bow and blow kisses to the crowd. He turned to the Other Guy. “Why did you let him go out like that?”

“We really try not to question him,” the Other Guy replied with an unconcerned shrug. Linkara shuddered before turning back to watch the act. 

Handsome Tom-ini performed a number of familiar tricks: pulling a rabbit from his hat; making a ball in a cup disappear; pouring milk into a rolled up newspaper without it spilling on the stage. The applause he received was tepid, not nearly strong enough to earn him a winning score on the Applause-O-Meter, which would determine who received the mystery prize. But the handsome reviewer did not once lose his easy smile.

“For my last trick, I will require the aid of my lovely assistant.” 8-Bit Mickey waved coyly at the crowd before walking into a refrigerator box that stood upright near the back of the stage. Handsome Tom-ini closed the front flap of the box and tapped it with his magic wand. “Presto! 8-Bit Mickey has now… disappeared!”

He flung open the cardboard flap to reveal no one inside the box. 

“Big deal,” a man in the audience called in an annoyed tone. “He’s obviously in the hidden compartment in the back of the box, like every other time this lame trick is performed!”

“Oh really? I didn’t know I could be in two places at once.” The man nearly leapt out of his seat when 8-Bit Mickey spoke from the seat directly behind him. His cries of confusion were soon overpowered by the roaring of approval the crowd had for this spectacular feat, which caused the Applause-O-Meter to shake a little as the numbers representing the loudness of the applause steadily increased.

“That was Handsome Tom-ini and the sexy 8-Bit Mickey,” RolloT announced again as the two made their final bows. “The act that’s already making the other performers regret not going first.”

“Wha…?” Linkara asked the Other Guy as the duo finally vacated the stage and the curtains fell.

“Again, the whole questioning thing.” While Linkara puzzled over what he’d just witnessed, the Other Guy checked his clipboard. “Critic, Spoony, you’re on in three minutes!”

“Did someone call my name?” Linkara and the Other Guy turned to discover the Spoony One covered in a studded leather jacket and tight leather pants.

“What the hell?” Linkara asked, stepping closer to get a better look at the older man. “Is that a dog collar around your neck?”

“I felt it perfectly complimented my outfit,” Spoony replied with a somewhat proud expression. The Other Guy frowned.

“I thought you and Critic were doing a singing act. What’s with the outfit?”

“Well, the idiot over-rehearsed this afternoon and lost his voice again,” Spoony replied, now looking annoyed. “So we came up with this back-up plan.”

“What, to blatantly pander to your fangirls?” the Other Guy asked. Linkara shook his head at his friend.

“Have you no shame?” Just then the Nostalgia Critic appeared in a black corset, fishnet stockings, and mascara.

“Obviously not,” Spoony replied while Critic struck his most seductive pose. Linkara smacked his head several times to try and bleach the picture from his mind. Nope, that was never leaving.

“Ok, guys, if you have no talent other than arousing a certain portion of this crowd, I’m going to have to skip you,” the Other Guy declared. “We’re trying to run an honest show here and we can’t have this kind of pandering.” He turned and called toward the dressing rooms. “JewWario, change in plans! You’re up next!”

“Honestly, I’m ashamed of you guys,” Linkara scolded while Critic and Spoony hung their heads. “Everyone here has worked hard for this night! Do you think anyone else is trying to earn applause through unscrupulous means?”

“Here I am!” JewWarion appeared in fluffy kitty-ears, paw-like gloves, a tail, and furry leopard-print boxer shorts. The other four stared at him in stunned silence. “Uh, meow?” JewWario asked, cautiously batting a paw at Linkara.

“Ok, who’s next on this list,” the Other Guy murmured as he stared down at his clipboard.

“I demand you let me on!” Insano had reappeared again, this time carrying a box. “I have a talent I wish to share with the world that meets your narrow-minded rules.”

“I guess we have no choice at the moment,” the Other Guy said with a sigh. “I’ll tell RolloT, so just get ready, Insano.” The doctor happily rushed onstage and began setting up; everyone else was still fixated on JewWario, who was now blushing slightly and playing with his tail.

“Ladies and gentlemen, our next act might be a little mad. In fact, you may say it’s… insane,” RolloT announced, before an ear-shattering squeal arose from the crowd. “Please give it up for Dr. Insano!” 

The curtains rose to reveal many plates spinning atop several thin poles. Dr. Insano scurried between the plates, making sure those that started to wobble received another spin and setting up even more plates when he could. Soon twenty different plates were spinning and Insano had not dropped one. Actually, he hadn’t even gotten close to seeing one drop. This made Linkara suspicious, so he stepped closer and slipped on his glasses. When Insano was close to him and setting up yet another plate, Linkara noticed a red armband covered with buttons on his right wrist.

“Hey, is he using science to do this?” he asked the Other Guy, who also peered more closely at the doctor.

“Yes,” he replied with a sigh when Insano visibly reached over and touched a black button on the band instead of actually touching a nearby wobbling plate. “Ma-Ti, get the hook.”

“With pleasure!” Twenty seconds later and Dr. Insano was unceremoniously yanked off-stage, sending all of his plates crashing down at once.

“How dare you ruin my act!” Insano raged as he grabbed the Other Guy by the front of his shirt.

“How dare you try and cheat!” Linkara pulled the band from Insano’s wrist.

“Oh. You noticed that.”

“Disqualified,” the Other Guy said while Ma-Ti pulled the curtains closed once more. The audience, upset to learn that the fan-favorite scientist had been disqualified for cheating and that Spoony and Critic didn’t have an act ready, started muttering angrily to each other and threatening to leave.

“Come on, let us go out,” Spoony begged while Critic nodded emphatically behind him. “The fans are ready to leave!”

“Then we’ll just have to convince them to stay.” Everyone turned as the Nostalgia Chick, Marzgurl, and Pushing Up Roses appeared. They each wore leotards and tights of different colors, black, blue, and red respectively.

“Oh, and you call us panderers?” Spoony asked in annoyance.

“Hey! These are legitimate dance outfits,” Roses replied, her hands on her hips.

“Yeah,” Chick agreed. “We can’t help it that they just so happen to show off our assets,” she said with a suggestive wiggle of her backside. Critic sneered and tried to say something but could only manage to produce rasping sounds.

“Come on guys, we’ve got a show to win.” Marzgurl hooked arms with them before she lead her partners onto the stage. Spoony couldn’t help checking them out as they left. Linkara merely shook his head in shame.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, get rea-” RolloT’s words were suddenly cut off before another voice soared through the airwaves.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please place your attention on the stage,” Paw said in his chipper tone. “Channel Awesome is proud to introduce your Nostalgia Chick, Marzgurl, and Pushing Up Roses of Pushinguproses.com!”

“Damn it, Paw, I don’t need a plug right now,” Roses said with a frown that quickly became a smile once the curtains rose. The three reviewers had assembled themselves in different positions across the stage. In the center sat the Chick, her legs crossed and her hands folded neatly in her lap.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to perform several amazing feats for you. On my left is Marzgurl, who will correctly spell any word you shout at her. On my right is Roses, who will recite any episode of "The Monkees" that ever aired. As for me, I will compute any mathematical equation you offer. Please, try your best to stump us.” 

“I cannot believe she just said that,” Linkara said while Spoony raged.

“I thought they said they were dancing! This is just more of that pandering you wouldn’t let me and Critic do!” he yelled at the Other Guy.

“They never technically said they were going to dance, just that those outfits were for dancers,” the Other Guy replied calmly. “And I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here. They might pull something off.”

There was a low buzz of sound in the audience as people conferred with each other. Then the shouting started.

“You’re so hot, Chick! I love you!”

“I love her more!”

“Please date me! Any one of you!”

“Marzgurl, you're so cute!”

“Speak Japanese to me! Kawaii desu!”

“Roses, can I take you home with me?”

“Roses, I'll sing like Davy Jones for you!”

“That’s it!” The Chick rose from her seat and stormed over to the edge of the stage. “If you don’t shut the fuck up with this crap and ask some serious questions, we are out of here!” Behind her, Marzgurl and Roses nodded angrily. The audience obeyed and quieted down. Nostalgia Chick marched back to her seat and flounced down before turning an angry glare onto the crowd.

“Spell threesome!” 

“Screw all of you!” The three stormed off the stage and made their way back toward the dressing rooms while Paw took the opportunity to chastise the audience from the announcer’s booth.

“Oh ho, nice try, ladies,” Spoony teased as they passed by. “Although I have a math problem you might want to hear, and it starts with 69.” In response, Marzgurl punched him in the face.

“Yeah, I don’t feel sorry for you,” Linkara said as he handed his friend a tissue with his uninjured hand. Critic, who had been sticking his tongue out at the girls, had it grabbed by a furious Chick, who pulled him into the dressing room with her.

“I’m the one you should feel sorry for!” the Other Guy snapped. “This night is turning into a disaster!” He flipped a page over on his clipboard and stared at the names written there. “Oh, just perfect,” he muttered, pushing a hand under his glasses to rub his eyed. “Ok, MikeJ, three minutes.”

“I shan’t need them.” MikeJ, looking dapper in his black suit and shiny gold tie, patted a small suitcase happily before sauntering out onto the stage. Linkara watched him before turning to the Other Guy.

“Do I want to know what his talent is?” 

“Ladies and gentlemen, now that the imposter announcer has been forcibly removed from this booth, I can reveal who our next performer is,” RolloT announced. The crowd was less enthusiastic by now, as several members had been kicked out by head of security Angry Joe for their terrible behavior during the previous act. “Let’s all applaud our very own British person, MikeJ!”

The curtain rose to reveal MikeJ sitting on a stool with a small ventriloquist dummy on his lap.

“I’d like to thank you all for coming out tonight to see me,” he told the crowd with a smile.

“Me? Don’t you mean us, blockhead?”

“Oh, of course, pardon me. Thanks for coming to see me and my good friend, Film Brain.” The audience burst into laughter as the dummy started to wave at them all and shouted ‘Symbolism!’ “Say, Film Brain, that’s quite an unusual name you have there.”

“Well, one of us had to have the brains in this operation.” The audience laughed again and seemed to be having a great time watching the act. From backstage, Linkara and Spoony were also smiling at the jokes.

“He’s actually pretty good.” 

“Yeah.”

“And that dummy actually looks like Film Brain.” Spoony squinted. “To an almost creepy degree.” He shot Linkara a look of concern.

“Say, has anyone seen Film Brain?” Linkara asked as he gazed around back stage. “Or Benzaie? Or any of the European producers who were supposed to be coming?”

“I sent a car to pick them up from the airport, since they were all on the same flight,” the Other Guy answered. “But MikeJ was the only one who showed. He told me the other reviewers weren’t feeling well and were going to the hotel to rest before the show.” Linkara and Spoony shared matching looks of concern now.

“Uh, did you happen to call any of them to make sure they were okay?”

“Didn’t have time.”

“Ok, I’m on it.” While Spoony hurried off to place an important call, MikeJ finished his act and bowed to the impressed audience.

“It’s like taking candy from my sister after we have sex,” he murmured as he walked back to his dressing room. Linkara couldn’t suppress his shudder.

“Ok, now that creepy time is over, let’s see who’s next.” The Other Guy checked his board again. “Harvey Finevoice? Are you here?” The other back-stage residents shook their heads. “That’s strange, he’s usually punctual for a performance,” the Other Guy said with a frown. “But I haven’t seen him or the Ninja Style Dancer at all tonight, and he’s supposed to go on after Harvey.”

“Well, you know those two are liable to get into dangerous situations at the drop of a hat,” Linkara said with a good-natured shrug. “I’m sure they must have found themselves in some crazy situation like always.”

Linkara spoke the truth, for his two housemates were currently trying to push Harvey’s car out of a swamp fifty miles from where the show was being held. It seemed someone had ‘accidentally’ given them incorrect directions…

“Perfect.” The Other Guy crossed their names off and readjusted his microphone. “RolloT, we’re skipping ahead to Dena and Lee.”

“All right! It’s our time to shine!” Lee from Still Gaming showed off many excited 2-D poses in his new, powder blue tuxedo as he was led onstage by his beloved.

“Thank you so much,” Dena Natali told the cheering crowd. She wore a pale blue dress to match Lee’s outfit. “Tonight, we thought you might enjoy watching the art of origami.”

“Boring,” was shouted by a teenage boy before he too was zapped and removed by Angry Joe. Dena merely smiled.

“I doubt you’ll find this boring.” Before anyone could even blink, she grabbed Lee and twisted him every which way she could until he resembled a delicate butterfly. Then, she twisted even more, producing a majestic crane, then an adorable penguin, then a deadly scorpion. Finally, she twisted Lee into a simple box that sat serenely in the palm of her hand. 

“Ta-da!” Lee called in a slightly muffled voice. Instead of praise, the sight was met with wide-eyed looks and gaping mouths.

“Uh, we were sort of expecting applause at this point,” Dena said, hoping to lighten the room.

“You’ll never win the audience’s favor with such disturbing tricks,” a familiar voice cackled from below the stage. A trap door quickly opened to reveal Dr. Insano, who now carried two flaming batons.

“Fire! My mortal enemy!” Box Lee cried as he tried to hop across the stage to safety.

“Damn it, I already disqualified him!” the Other Guy groaned. “Joe, get on stage pronto!” The angry reviewer tried to comply, but it was hard for him to move through the mass of people standing and cheering as the mad doctor twirled the deadly sticks over his head and between his legs. 

“Yes, fire does stir up the animalistic urges for destruction inside you all!” Insano yelled as he tossed one baton high into the air. It arced perfectly over his head before falling toward Insano at a rapid pace. Instead of worrying, Insano merely bent his neck backwards and caught the middle of the baton in his teeth.

“And the Applause-O-Meter is about to go off the charts!” RolloT announced as the device shook even more and the numbers rose higher and higher.

“Too bad he’s disqualified,” Angry Joe said, finally able to blast the scientist with lightning. Insano crumpled to the floor in a blackened heap before he was dragged outside by Joe and tossed into an alley, along with his batons.

“But… but I did it all on my own,” he whimpered. The slamming of the auditorium door was the only response he heard before he passed out on the blacktop.

“I can’t believe they were impressed by that,” Linkara muttered with a hint of jealousy as he peeked out at the still excited crowd.

“You know how fans can be,” the Other Guy replied in an all-too-knowing tone. Linkara couldn’t help nodding, as he too was familiar with the popularity of villains. “All right, Todd and Lupa, three minutes!”

“Oh, I’m so nervous,” Lupa admitted as she walked closer to the edge of the stage. She wore a dark green dress with a matching ribbon holding her hair back.

“Don’t worry, Lupa, you’ll do fine,” Todd said in a reassuring tone. Tonight his hoodie covered his best black suit and his face mask was covered in black sequins. “And if you mess up, I’ll cover for you.” Lupa couldn’t stop a small smile from crossing her face.

“Thanks, Todd.” They hurried into their positions and the Other Guy signaled to Ma-Ti.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Channel Awesome is proud to present the lovely Obscusurs Lupa and her partner/stalker, Todd in the Shadows!” Several whistles and catcalls filled the auditorium.

“Thanks, everyone,” Lupa said shyly as she offered a wave to her enthusiastic fans. Todd cracked his knuckled before dancing his fingers across the keyboard. Lupa clenched the microphone tightly in her hands and took a deep breath.

“Another bride, another groom,” she sang in a rich voice that resounded throughout the room. “Another sunny, honeymoon! Another season, another reason-”

“To screw me!” Todd belted into the mic on his piano.

“Todd! You promised for one night you wouldn’t come on to me!” Lupa screamed, which created quite a bit of feedback from her microphone and caused the audience to collectively shudder.

“I-I’m sorry, it was a force of habit,” Todd cried. “Please don’t leave!” But Lupa was already stomping off the stage, the mic being dragged along behind her by its cord.

“You made Lupa mad!”

“You suck, Todd!” The masked reviewer was swiftly pelted with bottles of soda and bags of popcorn. He covered his head protectively with his arms and made a dash for his own dressing room.

“Why? Why does the universe hate me?” the Other Guy moaned as he started to slam the clipboard against his head. Linkara wanted to console him, but his good arm was then grabbed by 90s Kid.

“Come on, dude, we’re up next!” he said, already giddy about the performance. Linkara shot one last look at the angrily muttering stage manager before heading off to don the rest of his costume. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know you will be excited for this next act,” RolloT said, hoping to turn the audience’s remaining hostility into excitement. “Please give it up for 90s Kid and… Linkara.”

A din that had not yet been heard that night erupted throughout the crowd as the audience members eagerly waited for the comic reviewer to appear and impress them. He did not disappoint, for Linkara walked across stage in his white Zeo Ranger outfit, including the hat.

“Linkara! I love you!”

“I love you too!”

“Oh, what happened to your arm?”

“You poor thing, are you all right?”

“Nothing to worry about folks,” Linkara reassured them while giving his cast a tender pat. “I’ll have this baby off in two weeks.” Murmurs of reassurance swept through the audience until Linkara moved to the far left of the stage and took his position in front of a prop door that stood there. It had been covered with blue balloons that framed his body.

“I hope you all are ready to witness the amazing skills of… 90s Kid-gali!” RolloT announced as the teen bounded across the stage. He was dressed in white jeans and a fancy T-shirt instead of his usual grunge-wear, and his cap had been replaced with a shiny white tophat. In one hand he held a rolled up piece of leather, which he unfurled to reveal several knives secured inside.

“What the fuck?” Cries of alarm and gasps replaced earlier cheers as several fans stared between the blades and the comic lover.

“You’re not going to throw knives at Linkara, are you?” one girl asked anxiously.

“He’s already wounded,” an older girl added. 90s Kid laughed.

“Yeah, and I totally apologized to him about that. I was, like, feeling a little un-awesome during our last practice session and I guess my senses weren’t, like, as sharp as my knives.” He expected to hear groans at his joke, but instead cries of horror and outrage filled the air.

“How could you?!”

“Poor Linkara!”

“Somebody get that idiot away from him!”

“Uh, guys,” Linkara called with a worried expression. “You know that was a joke, right?” It seemed the crowd didn’t know this, however, as the mutterings grew louder and more intense.

“Um, like, maybe we shouldn’t do this,” 90s Kid said in a more subdued tone after walking over to where Linkara stood. Linkara looked disheartened by his suggestion.

“90s Kid, you’ve practiced too hard to give up now. You deserve this chance to show off your skills.”

“Thanks, dude,” 90s Kid said, flashing him a small smile. “But how are we going to, like, calm the audience down?” 

“Maybe if I just get someone to replace me,” Linkara muttered before running off backstage. He peered around, hoping to find a suitable replacement, and smiled when he noticed someone practicing his sword-swallowing routine.

“Phelous, old buddy,” he said with a bright smile. “How are you doing tonight?” Phelous pulled the long blade from his mouth and stared suspiciously at the younger man.

“Fine, thanks.”

“Uh, I was hoping I could ask for a favor!” Linkara was forced to yell as the roar of the audience grew ever louder. “I need you to stand in for me in 90s Kid’s act. All you have to do is stand in one spot and not move.” Phelous raised an eyebrow.

“And what will 90s Kid do?” 

“Oh, nothing much, just throw knives at you,” he said, still with the bright smile. Phelous stared blankly at him. “Oh come on, it’s perfectly safe,” Linkara said, desperation leaking into his voice. “90s Kid has trained for months at this; he won’t miss if you don’t move. Besides, it’s not like he could actually kill you.” Linkara brought his good hand to his injured one and clasped them together as he begged.

“All right, I’ll do it,” Phelous said with a sigh. “Just point me to where I stand.”

“Thanks a million, buddy, I owe you one. Two, even,” Linkara said as he clapped Phelous on the back and pointed out the balloon-covered door. Phelous strode out and took his place while 90s Kid turned to the crowd.

“Oh, uh, attention dudes and dudettes! My lovely assistant will now be the radical Phelous!” he announced, trying to return to his previous state of excitement. “I, like, hope there won’t be any objections to this.” 

The crowd quieted in response and looked rather excited with this change in plans, a few spectators even pointing at Phelous with eager expressions. 90s Kid frowned slightly before turning toward his new partner.

“Thanks a ton for filling in.”

“Don’t mention it,” Phelous said. “Let’s just get this over with.” 90s Kid nodded.

“Sure, dude. Now remember: don’t move.” Before Phelous could reply, a knife whizzed past the left side of his face and popped a balloon. Then the balloon on the right of his face was gone. Then the one by his left shoulder. Right shoulder. Left hand. Right hand. Knees. Feet. The top of his head.

“Amazing,” the crowd exclaimed with each new pop. Phelous nervously eyed the knives now surrounding his body, but said nothing. Not until 90s Kid took off his sunglasses and put on the blindfold.

“Uh, are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked in raspy tone, his throat somewhat dry. The only balloon left was in between his legs and he couldn’t bring himself to even glance down at it.

“Don’t worry, dude, I’ve been practicing extra hard at this one,” 90s Kid replied with a confident grin. He raised his arm and aimed the knife, while Phelous squeezed his eyes shut and tried to imagine he was reviewing a terrible movie.

“I’ve returned!” Dr. Insano shrieked as he swung down from the rafters high above the stage. 90s Kid jumped at the sudden noise and released the knife automatically. The jerking motion of his arm changed its trajectory and the blade twirled through the air before plunging into Phelous’s chest.

“Oh my gosh!” 90s Kid cried after pulling off his blindfold and staring in horror. Phelous opened his eyes and watched as the blood spilled down his red silk shirt.

“Well, that’s just great. How am I going to explain this to my dry cleaner?”

“D-don’t worry, dude, I’ll take care of it!” 90s Kid said in a panic as he ran to his side. “I’ll totally pay for it! For dry cleaning, surgery, therapy, like, anything you need!”

“Just the dry cleaning should cover it,” Phelous replied. Without another thought he pulled the knife from his chest and handed it back to 90s Kid. “I should probably see if I have another shirt, so bye.” Phelous exited the stage to great applause, although some of that may have been for Insano, who was chased around by the newly arrived Angry Joe Army until he was tackled, hogtied, and tossed outside like a sack of potatoes. 

“Are you all right?” Linkara’s eyes were glued to the wound on Phelous’s chest that didn’t seem to be showing any signs of healing.

“How are you feeling?” the Other Guy asked. “Angry? Sick? Litigious?”

“Guys, I’m really fine,” Phelous said, shrugging off their concern. “And no, I’m not going to sue you, so relax.” The Other Guy wiped some sweat from his brow and sighed with relief.

“Are you sure you don’t want to visit a hospital or anything?” Linkara pressed.

“Nah, this will stop soon enough. I’ll see you guys later.” 

“There goes another change in the schedule,” the Other Guy muttered as he again crossed a name off of his list. “RolloT, Cinema Snob will now be the next act.” While the stage manager ran off to alert the exploitation lover, Linkara helped a still shaken 90s Kid back to his dressing room and gave him some water to settle his stomach.

“Don’t worry about Phelous. He’s indestructible,” he tried to assure the teen. 90s Kid offered a weak nod and brought the glass to his lips, almost spilling it all down his front.

Deciding to let him rest for now, Linkara returned to his spot and watched as Spoony, still on his cell phone, walked back in his direction.

“How many bottles of Rohypnol did you find?” Spoony asked with wide eyes. “My God, I don’t even know how he could have fit that many in his suitcase. All right, just make sure to explain exactly what I told you to them when they wake up. Thanks for your help.”

“I guess you found the rest of the Euorpean reviewers,” Linkara said.

“Yep,” Spoony replied as he reached down to adjust his leather pants. “They’re all ‘asleep’ in MikeJ’s room.” Linkara gave his friend a look of distaste.

“Couldn’t you have changed out of that outfit while you were gone?” Spoony looked down at his clothes before smirking.

“Why, am I starting to turn you on?”

“Oh, how I wish they had let me bring my Magic Gun,” Linkara muttered. Just then Cinema Snob appeared, ready for his turn to perform. No one was surprised to see him dressed in his usual black suit jacket and slacks, but the red and blue Pepsi jacket he also wore drew several surprised looks.

“Get ready gentlemen,” he told the two with a shit-eating grin, “for soon it is I who shall be declared the winner of this little show.”

“Yeah, we’ll see about that, beverage boy,” Spoony replied. The Snob merely chuckled before heading out to get into position.

“Beverage boy?” Linkara asked with a shake of his head.

“Hey, it’s hard to think up insults when the blood is being cut off in your lower extremities,” Spoony protested, again adjusting his leather pants.

“Then change out of the damn things!”

“Ok, we’re on,” the Other Guy announced. The curtains were raised once more and warm applause was heard as Cinema Snob was introduced.  
“Thank you so much,” Snob said, his deep, rich voice almost enveloping the room. “Now, before I begin, may I have a volunteer?” Dozens of hands shot into the air while several ladies and a few men bounced around, hoping to draw his attention. “I think you will do,” Cinema Snob said, pointing to a young woman in the front row. She shrieked before rushing up to the stage and standing eagerly before the reviewer.

“Please, have a seat.” Snob watched as Ma-Ti hurried over with a chair. “And close your eyes.” She complied, shutting her eyes as tight as she could. “Now, just relax.” Snob bent down and spoke softly into her ear. “Let your mind feel at ease as you focus just on my voice. You are becoming aware of your body, first your arms, then your legs. Let them become more comfortable; let your muscles become loose and relaxed.” 

By now the young woman was almost completely limp, slumped down in her chair with her fingertips trailing along the wooden floor of the stage. Curiously, most of the audience was also slumped down in their seats, their expressions almost completely blank. Even Linkara and Spoony were slouching somewhat.  
“Now that you’re relaxed,” Snob continued as his voice became even more soothing, “tell me your name.”

“Randi,” she replied in a mellow tone. 

“And your age.”

“21.”

“What do you like to do in your spare time, Randi?”

“Write.”

“Oh? About what?”

“You.” Snob smiled at this.

“I’m flattered. Now, why don’t you act out part of the last story you wrote about me.” Randi slowly stood up and started flapping her arms like some sort of bird. “Huh, I wasn’t expecting that,” Snob admitted. “Ok, you can stop now, Randi.” She did and turned to him with unfocused eyes, awaiting further instructions.

“I think this has been a very successful night,” Cinema Snob said as he gently pushed Randi back into her seat. “And such a successful night warrants a special prize, doesn’t it?” He was facing the audience now, who were entranced by his every word. “So I think it would be a very good idea to start applauding.”

At once the crowd obeyed, clapping their hands together louder and louder, making the Applause-O-Meter go crazy as it started to overheat and the numbers increased until an infinity sign appeared. 

Backstage, Linkara and Spoony watched these events with matching pleasant smiles. Cinema Snob really did deserve to win, didn’t he? And those voices of logic and reason buzzing around in the backs of their heads sure were annoying, weren’t they? Even the Other Guy looked at peace for the first time that night.

“Oh, you blathering idiots,” Insano’s voice blared out from the intercom. “You’re allowing this silver-tongued charlatan to control your simple minds!”

“Charlatan? How dare you,” Snob called angrily.

“Fortunately you have me here to rescue you from your own incompetence.” A few seconds later the sprinkler system went off, startling everyone back into coherency.

“You cheater!” Spoony and Linkara shouted as Snob hurried backstage to protect his new jacket.

“Please, you wouldn’t have had a chance of winning even without my magical voice,” he replied with a sneer before vanishing into a dressing room.

“If Critic and I had been allowed to go on, we would have mopped the floor with you!” Spoony shouted in response. “That prize had our names written on it!”

“I don’t think so,” Nostalgia Chick replied as she and her team reappeared. Critic was also with them, although his clothing was rumpled and there were several suspicious red marks along his neck. “If anyone had taken our act seriously, we would have been declared the winners.”

“I don’t know how you expected to be taken seriously when you’re dressed like that,” 8-Bit Mickey mocked as he and Tom reappeared, along with several other performers. They were all pretty angry and started arguing with each other over who should have truly been the winner of tonight’s event. Not even the sprinkler water could cool those hot-heads down and soon blows were exchanged.

“That’s it, I’ve had it.” The Other Guy rushed out to the center of the stage and addressed the audience. “I’m very sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but this contest is now over.” Unfortunately, his words were only heard by members of the Angry Joe Army, since the rest of the audience had evacuated the now-flooding room. The Other Guy stared around at the partially destroyed auditorium and mentally calculated how much it would cost to repair all the damage caused that evening. The water had at least stopped the Applause-O-Meter from bursting into flames.

“There go our profits,” he said with a sigh. The sprinklers shut off just then and the Other Guy decided he may as well check back on the producers; surely some of them would need to visit the hospital by now.

“Mr. Other Guy? I brought this for you.” The Other Guy blinked in surprise as Ma-Ti offered him a large, fluffy towel. Then he smiled and reached into his pocket.

“Thanks,” he said before handing over a blue ribbon and a small box topped with a red bow. “This is for you.” Ma-Ti stared at the items with a puzzled expression.

“But, why?” 

“Because I forgot that heart could be a talent."


End file.
